My True Love

Several months ago, I met this cute girl on SingSnap.com, but I was already involved with someone (as was she, more or less), so I didn't think anything of it, beyond "She's pretty, and seems nice."

In April, she broke up with her boyfriend, after some rocky times, but I didn't know that yet.  My new girlfriend and I started hitting some rocks of our own around the same time (ex-boyfriend started instant-messaging her, saying he was sorry, wanting to get back together, yada, yada, yada), but I toughed it out while she tried to decide what and who she wanted.

Several weeks of her going back-and-forth ended with her choosing the ex over me, and leaving me crushed and spouting off about how I was done with love and relationships forever.

In stepped the other girl, who knocked me stupid, telling me--seemingly out of nowhere--that she liked me.  A lot.  Had for awhile, really; almost from the first time she met me in SingSnap's live chat.

Well, color me floored.  Like I mentioned above, I'd always thought she was cute, but I'd never thought of her that way.  Then, we started chatting more, and talking on the phone, and finding all these umpteen things we already had in common, which was just compounded by the incredible coincidences that just kept happening between us, one after another after another.

The more we talked, the more it seemed like we'd always known each other, and several days later, we decided to take the plunge and start being a couple.  May 24, 2009 is now one of the best days of my life, and I will always cherish it.

Two months later, we're still going strong, we haven't had a single fight or even a disagreement that we weren't just playing around.  It was damned near perfect in every way--except that she lived in Maine and I'm in Indiana, so while we'd chatted online and talked endlessly on the phone, and even had video chats, we still hadn't actually met face-to-face.

So, we started making plans for me to drive up there and spend three or four weeks with her, so we could be sure we were compatible and weren't going to end up killing each other.  (Meanwhile, the "coincidences" and commonalities between us kept piling up. :P)

During this time, her ex had seen on SingSnap that she had a new boyfriend, and he'd started instant-messaging her occasionally, saying how sorry he was for the behavior that had led to her breaking up with him, and that he loved and missed her, but I didn't think much of it, because we seemed to be very happy, and doing very well together.

The first week went great (I thought)!  Sure there were a few rough moments, as in any new relationship--feeling each other out, learning about each others' habits, adjusting to sleeping in the same bed with someone else for the first time in a long time.  The usual stuff.

The next week, I spent a few days out of commission, having apparently picked up some allergies to my new surroundings in Southern Maine.  Okay, no big deal, she took care of me and nursed me back to health, just like I'd have done for her.  We were still doing well (as far as I could tell), being lovey-dovey, snuggling on the couch and watching TV.

The third week, things were different.  Me, being my typical oblivious self, didn't really notice it at first . . . she still told me she loved me and everything, but she wasn't quite herself.  I chalked it up to being tired from the retarded schedule they'd had her on at work, as well as having to deal with the Department Manager From Hell since she started the job in July, so it didn't sink in.

By the end of the week, I could sense that something was wrong, but I didn't know what or just HOW wrong.  Last Saturday, after I brought her home from work, she sat me down on the couch and started explaining to me that she'd spent the past week doing a lot of thinking and soul-searching and basically trying to break up with me without breaking my heart.

Turns out, her ex was not only sorry for how he'd acted and going on about loving her and missing her . . . he hoped they might be able to try again (yes, despite knowing that she was already with someone new).

To make matters worse, she realized that she still has unresolved feelings for him, and she was breaking up with me because she believes it's not fair to me if she stays with me, but she's always got that "what if..." in the back of her mind and can only give me part of her heart.  She says that I deserve better than that.

So I pleaded with her.  I cried.  I begged her not to do this to us.  I said everything I could think of, while my panicky mind reeled.

In the end, I left to drive home very early Sunday morning, because I decided that if I stayed, it would just be awkward and painful for both of us. 

Now, I've had a few days to deal with it, and I'm not wracked with pain or crying every few minutes, but I can't give up on us, either.

She's explained to me that she can't move on yet, because of their past together, and because she believes she still loves him.  She needs some kind of closure.  She needs to get herself together and figure out what/who she really wants.  So, she's not with either of us at the moment, and she can't say "yes" or "no" to whether there's still a chance for me and her, which gives me a ray of hope in all this.

That doesn't mean that I'm not still scared.  Yeah, there's still hope, but there's the same chance that she'll decide to go back to him.

I'm so afraid I'm gonna lose her.

She's all I've ever wanted in my life.  I feel like she's my soulmate, and I've never been so sure of anything, ever.  (All those coincidences and things-in-common have GOT to mean something, right?)  She's my first thought when I wake up, and she's my last thought when I go to bed (which is making it difficult to fall asleep, but what can I do?).

I would happily give up everything I have and start over from scratch, just to be with her.  I look around at all my stuff, and it all just seems completely meaningless to me now.  She's all I want in the world.  Today, tomorrow, forever.

I know she doesn't want me to constantly remind her how much I love her, and I sure as hell don't want to drive her away, but I can't seem to help it.  I want her in my life.  Hell, I NEED her.  She's my world.  She is, absolutely, my everything.

She's asked me what I'll do if she and her ex get back together, and I told her:  I'll wait for her.  As long as it takes.  If that's forever, then that's how long I'll wait.

Because she is worth that, and so very much more.


I love you, Nancy, now and forever.